Rule number one, and the most important one of all.

Keep your regular pay separate form money made selling junk.  Especially if your married.   

Rule #9:

Always carry a knife. (LJG) 

Rule #13:

Never, ever, involve attorneys.

Only bid on what you can see, then everything you can't see is pure profit.

Never go to a Saturday auction that was advertised on AuctionZip.

Rule #1a, wear gloves when going through the unit.

Rule #1AA: Just because they oohh and aahh doesn't mean there's anything to oohh and aahh about.

Rule #1AA: Just because they oohh and aahh doesn't mean there's anything to oohh and aahh about.

I have a list of many women that will argue that point with you!

I have a list of many women that will argue that point with you!

One of my bits from my stand up days.. (keeping it PG)

One thing I will never do again is have relations with my wife with a random channel on the TV. One night we were getting into it hot and heavy. Here I was, thinking I was really rocking her world, the oohh's and aahh's were flying around all over the place! It really was the first time I felt like a real man. Until, that is, we switched positions.. and a lady on QVC was selling a Cuisinart Food Processor..

One thing I will never do again is have relations with my wife with a random channel on the TV.

Great minds think alike, I told her the same thing!

and a lady on QVC was selling a Cuisinart Food Processor..

Could've been worse, it could've been "Boogie Nights" on the tube.

Could've been worse, it could've been "Boogie Nights" on the tube.

For a punchline my wife getting her rocks off on QVC is funnier than Boogie Nights.. Because it's less believable, or more outrageous.

Don't make the mistake of watching the movie Magic Mike with your wife...that will really make you feel inadequate.

After watching Magic Mike with my wife, I told her that I should get one of those fake weiners too.. She said that if I did, she would divorce me..

Don't make the mistake of watching the movie Magic Mike with your wife.

So what'd you both think, was I good in it?

So what'd you both think, was I good in it?

He's not kidding either. He was in the original version before it was remade with Channing Tatum. Here is the cast photo.